Can't We All Just Get Along?

If you're ever in the DC area and you see a burgundy 2001 Firebird convertible with a bumper sticker that says HILLARY IN 2044, that's me. I'm perfectly willing to allow Hillary to be president....so long as I'm dead first. You see? I'm willing to compromise. As such a reasonable person, I have been empowered by the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy to negotiate on a number of subjects in the hopes that it will address liberal concerns about President Bush dividing this country. OK, we conservatives will stop executing around 70 vicious kidnappers, murderers, rapists and serial killers annually if you will agree to stop killing 1.5 million innocent, unborn babies every year. That will eliminate the need for candlelight vigils outside prisons in bad weather, demonstrations in front of abortion clinics in bad weather, and that pesky problem of how to dispose of all those tiny corpses. Everybody happy? Next, we conservatives will eliminate all that violence and blood from films and TV shows that liberals are always whining about if you ban pornography and stop sexualizing our children. Tell the ACLU and NAMBLA to stop striking down state age of consent laws, stop dressing adolescent girls like hookers, stop passing out condoms in schools and stop telling kids they are mature enough to handle sex. Sex is not a form of recreation. People kill for sex, they rape for sex, they cheat on their spouses for sex, they destroy their family for sex, they sacrifice their legacy for sex. It is NOT for children. OK by you? Let's see if you go for this. We'll let you ban guns if you allow us to lock up people for life on their first violent crime conviction. Guns prevent about two million violent crimes per year at no cost to the government, but we're willing to build more prisons. OR, we would be willing to tear down all the prisons if you allow people the right to carry guns openly or concealed and give them back the God-given right to self-defense. Here's one. You stop trying to turn the United States into a socialist country and we will wall off California and allow you to run it any way you want. Speech codes, socialized medicine, high taxes, thought police, mandatory atheism, you name it, you've got it. The only proviso is that, unlike North Korea, you allow your political dissidents and starving populace to escape into bordering states -- that is if they are legal immigrants in the first place. I know the first thing you'll do is open the border to Mexico. It'll save you big bucks on reeducation through labor camps, although it will cut down on the income you can make through slave labor. OK, you willing to compromise? Huh? Huh? Huh? Just as I thought. There's no reasoning with you liberals. Who's dividing the country now???