Important Stuff -- Or Not: What NOT to Get for Valentine's Day

Monday, February 12, 2007

What NOT to Get for Valentine's Day

Men, that dreaded chick holiday, Valentine's Day is Wednesday. And with it come two of the most subtly vulgar commercials I've seen. Each of them has aired at least 25 times tonight. The first is PajamaGram. It's "the way to get a woman to take her clothes off." I did an unscientific survey of my female coworkers last night and the general consensus was that if their husband got them a PajamaGram, they would get him a headstone. The second present to pass up is the Vermont Teddy Bear. Another vulgar commercial. In this one several women in an office gather around one who has received a Vermont teddy bear for Valentine's Day. I'm not sure what sort of business this is, but from the looks of the women, it's probably a phone sex operation. They utter eardrum-piercing oohs and aahs over the bear and voice a string of double entendres for the male organ, intimating that if their men got them a bear, they would get lucky that night.. The men in the office hear the ruckus and get on-line to order their own lucky bears. Again, an informal survey came up with negative results. What to get? The top three gifts in my survey were jewelry, chocolates and flowers, in that order. Good luck on the jewelry. For the flowers, I would suggest ProFlowers. I've given them to a lot of women and they all say they are the most beautiful flowers they have ever seen. Mention "Laura" or "Hannity" on the order and they'll upgrade your vase. And for candy, a Whitman's sugar-free sampler would be good. They come in three sizes and, despite being sugar-free, are delicious. Your significant other will praise you for considering her health. Oh, dinner out would also be nice. Two years ago at this time, I wrote a piece about a holiday totally tailored for men. Unfortunately, it never got off the ground.

9 comments:

Cyndi L said...: Cogsworth, from Beauty and the Beast: "Oh, there's the usual things; flowers, chocolates, promises you don't intend to keep..."

(Frankly, all my husband has to do is show up and bring food...); 8:21 AM
Trader Rick said...: I hope this was tongue-in-cheek. Giving a woman sugar-free candy for Valentine's is like screaming at her,"YOU'RE A FAT COW!!!"...; 8:50 AM
Tonto said...: I received a Vermont Teddy Bear once...can't say I got a big thrill but I still habe the bear ten years later.

I like your list. I vote for a steak dinner, which is what I asked for, and I am going out tonight for just that. Can't get a babysitter on actual V-Day!; 10:50 AM
Lone Ranger said...: Rick, tell her it's a dental health matter.; 11:03 AM
Tonto said...: I agree with Trader Rick...the first thought...what my dad used to say to me..."how large are you going to let your behind get before you do something about it?"; 11:21 AM
Cathy said...: Jewelry always works for me...

Not to change the subject, but any reason why you supersized your blog site? I know I'm having more and more difficulty reading smaller print... but I didn't think you noticed....sheesh!; 6:42 PM
Lone Ranger said...: The smaller print came with the conversion to the new blogger. I just enlarged this to see how it works. If that's the only way to do it and if that makes it easier to read, we'll use the larger font permanently.; 7:26 PM
Mark said...: I am under instructions to get my significant other a stuffed lion that sings, "The Lion Sleeps Tonight". She even gave me the noney to buy it, (I have been unemployed, just got a job yesterday so won't get paid for a week and a half) but I have to pretend I don't know what she wants. She wants to be surprised. Sheeesh!; 10:09 AM
Tonto said...: Congrats! on the new job Mark. Now if you could just send a job my way it would be much appreciated.; 6:06 AM

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Talking Points

I don't use talking points, I create them.

1. Hate makes people stoopid.

2. There is nothing so impenetrable as a closed mind.

3. A stupid person is not someone who can't learn, but someone who refuses to learn.

4. It is a small mind that has no room for God.

5. You can take Stalin out of the gene pool, but you can't take Stalinism out of liberals.

6. The best way to sabotage a bad plan is to follow it to the letter.

7. The race card is the first refuge of people who have nothing to say.

8. Ignorance is the cornerstone of arrogance.

9. Which is more racist, to hate someone who is not white or to assume someone is racist because he is white?

10. Children are not stupid. If a child is taught, the child will learn. If a child is not learning, the child is not being taught.

11. To express righteous indignation, one must first be righteous. And that's a label that doesn't stick to liberals.

12. Profanity is ignorance made audible.

13. An open mind is a liberal's worst enemy.

14. Paternalism is the purest form of racism.

15. People who bend the truth, usually bend it in their favor.

16. If you always stand in opposition to liberalism, you will never be wrong.

18. Life is simple. People who make it complicated usually have an agenda.

19. Getting your news from the corrupt, liberal media is like sticking your head in the sand, except you don't get grit in your teeth.

20. Liberals' emotional development stops at the age of 16.

21. To anger a conservative, lie to him. To anger a liberal, tell the truth.

22. Idealism seldom matches up with reality.

23. Those who don't hate communism have never lived it.

24. This was a much more civil country when men walked about heavily armed.

25. This economy will never heal as long as Obama keeps picking at the scab.

26. Liberals don't think outside the box; they ARE the box.

27. You cannot change the hearts and minds of liberals, because they possess neither.

28. There is no such thing as a kind liberal.

29. Reading Democratic Party platforms is like reading the history of human rights abuses and crimes against humanity in this country.

25 Immutable Truths About Liberals

Over the years I've been writing this blog, I've been throwing out little self-evident truths that seem to have no exceptions that prove the rule. I've made a list of some of them and will add to it as I remember them or make up more. Most of this list I've come up with myself. A few I've borrowed from others.

1. Always expect the worst from a liberal and you will never be surprised.

2. Never try to reason with a liberal. They disregard any evidence that conflicts with their beliefs.

3. You can always tell what liberals are up to by what they accuse conservatives of doing.

4. Liberals don't debate, they argue.

5. The only standards liberals have are double standards.

6. Liberals feel, conservatives think.

7. Whenever you don't understand a liberal's motives, just look for the money.

8. Liberals cannot be embarrassed. They lack the gene to blush.

9. The Liberal Golden Rule is, "Do unto others but scream bloody murder if they do unto you."

10. Liberals don't have leaders, they have demi-gods.

11. There are no honest liberals. If they were honest -- especially to themselves -- they would be conservatives.

12. A liberal's business is nobody's business, but everyone's business is a liberal's business.

13. Liberals have an inflated sense of self-worth. They are like house flies that criticize the air-worthiness of a Stealth fighter. (Sarah Palin, George W. Bush, ad infinitum are morons.)

14. Liberals lack a sixth sense that conservatives have in abundance -- common sense.

15. Liberals never stop hating.

16. There are only two types of liberals -- the deceivers and the deceived. The difficulty is telling them apart.

17. Every time liberals get on their high horse, they get bucked off.

18. Liberal programs are so wonderful that they have to be forced on people.

19. Liberals always choke on their own medicine.

20. When given a moral choice, liberals always come down on the wrong side of the fence.

21. The only way liberals can build themselves up is by tearing others down.

22. Liberals not only refuse to learn from their mistakes, they refuse to admit them.

23. Liberals have only two political positions -- blind devotion and blind hatred.

24. Liberals are incapable of attacking the message, so they always attack the messenger.

25. Liberal diversity is only skin deep.