Important Stuff -- Or Not: It's Over!!

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

It's Over!!

That dreaded, manufactured chick holiday -- Valentine's Day -- is FINALLY over. Fortunately, it's much less stressful than back when I was married. Mom got her Peruvian lillies and Ghiradelli chocolates, my long-distance "ladyfriend" (I'm too old and tired to have a girlfriend) got a nice gift and I got a card. Or something. MEN OF THE WORLD, WE MUST UNITE TO GET OUR OWN HOLIDAY! I'm thinking that since it will be another totally made-up holiday like Presidents' Day, Valentine's Day, Martin Luther King Jr. Day or Kwanzaa, we can pretty much make it anything we want it to be. So, I present for your consideration, Leave Me the Hell Alone Day. The rules: Don't wake me up for breakfast in bed, don't send a card, don't insist we eat out, don't make me carry out the trash, don't expect me to ferry the kids around town to a bunch of activities. By the way, since I'm on the subject, I never went to "activities" when I was a kid. My mom would push us out the door in the morning and tell us to be back before supper -- SUPPER, not dinner -- and then she'd just hope that none of us stepped in front of a charging bison (happened to me once), fell out of a tree or off the edge of a cliff or drowned -- at least, I like to THINK she hoped that. Where was I? Ah. Don't tell me to clean out the garage, don't mention the position of the toilet seat, don't tell me to "close what you open, pick up what you drop and clean up what you spill," don't even talk to me. Especially don't even talk to me. I won't set a date for this holiday. It will be portable. Any time a man feels about to go postal, he can declare that "This is hereby Leave Me the Hell Alone Day." Maybe he can pronounce it three times or something, like Muslims do when they divorce a wife. You can do this only once a year and -- like Anytime Minutes -- they can't be rolled over into the next year. Your one loophole is you can declare the holiday on December 31 and January 1, giving you a twofer. But you'd better not squander it. You never know when your wife might gain five pounds or one of your kids might start mounting Hillary Clinton posters on the wall. And the best part of this holiday is that Hallmark, ProFlowers, Russell Stover and their ilk won't make a dime, because the very idea of a Leave Me the Hell Alone Day card, Leave Me the Hell Alone Day flowers or Leave Me the Hell Alone Day candy is a violation of Leave Me the Hell Alone Day rules. If this holiday catches on, men all over the world will get a taste of how I live just about every day. (Hmmm, I didn't mean that to sound so pathetic.) By the way, so long as I'm handing out wisdom, men, do NOT buy flowers from grocery stores. They have been genetically engineered not to have a smell, so your wife can tell when you've cheaped out on her. That's why the first thing women do when they receive flowers is to smell them. My ex could even tell the difference between grocery chains.

Talking Points

I don't use talking points, I create them.

1. Hate makes people stoopid.

2. There is nothing so impenetrable as a closed mind.

3. A stupid person is not someone who can't learn, but someone who refuses to learn.

4. It is a small mind that has no room for God.

5. You can take Stalin out of the gene pool, but you can't take Stalinism out of liberals.

6. The best way to sabotage a bad plan is to follow it to the letter.

7. The race card is the first refuge of people who have nothing to say.

8. Ignorance is the cornerstone of arrogance.

9. Which is more racist, to hate someone who is not white or to assume someone is racist because he is white?

10. Children are not stupid. If a child is taught, the child will learn. If a child is not learning, the child is not being taught.

11. To express righteous indignation, one must first be righteous. And that's a label that doesn't stick to liberals.

12. Profanity is ignorance made audible.

13. An open mind is a liberal's worst enemy.

14. Paternalism is the purest form of racism.

15. People who bend the truth, usually bend it in their favor.

16. If you always stand in opposition to liberalism, you will never be wrong.

18. Life is simple. People who make it complicated usually have an agenda.

19. Getting your news from the corrupt, liberal media is like sticking your head in the sand, except you don't get grit in your teeth.

20. Liberals' emotional development stops at the age of 16.

21. To anger a conservative, lie to him. To anger a liberal, tell the truth.

22. Idealism seldom matches up with reality.

23. Those who don't hate communism have never lived it.

24. This was a much more civil country when men walked about heavily armed.

25. This economy will never heal as long as Obama keeps picking at the scab.

26. Liberals don't think outside the box; they ARE the box.

27. You cannot change the hearts and minds of liberals, because they possess neither.

28. There is no such thing as a kind liberal.

29. Reading Democratic Party platforms is like reading the history of human rights abuses and crimes against humanity in this country.

25 Immutable Truths About Liberals

Over the years I've been writing this blog, I've been throwing out little self-evident truths that seem to have no exceptions that prove the rule. I've made a list of some of them and will add to it as I remember them or make up more. Most of this list I've come up with myself. A few I've borrowed from others.

1. Always expect the worst from a liberal and you will never be surprised.

2. Never try to reason with a liberal. They disregard any evidence that conflicts with their beliefs.

3. You can always tell what liberals are up to by what they accuse conservatives of doing.

4. Liberals don't debate, they argue.

5. The only standards liberals have are double standards.

6. Liberals feel, conservatives think.

7. Whenever you don't understand a liberal's motives, just look for the money.

8. Liberals cannot be embarrassed. They lack the gene to blush.

9. The Liberal Golden Rule is, "Do unto others but scream bloody murder if they do unto you."

10. Liberals don't have leaders, they have demi-gods.

11. There are no honest liberals. If they were honest -- especially to themselves -- they would be conservatives.

12. A liberal's business is nobody's business, but everyone's business is a liberal's business.

13. Liberals have an inflated sense of self-worth. They are like house flies that criticize the air-worthiness of a Stealth fighter. (Sarah Palin, George W. Bush, ad infinitum are morons.)

14. Liberals lack a sixth sense that conservatives have in abundance -- common sense.

15. Liberals never stop hating.

16. There are only two types of liberals -- the deceivers and the deceived. The difficulty is telling them apart.

17. Every time liberals get on their high horse, they get bucked off.

18. Liberal programs are so wonderful that they have to be forced on people.

19. Liberals always choke on their own medicine.

20. When given a moral choice, liberals always come down on the wrong side of the fence.

21. The only way liberals can build themselves up is by tearing others down.

22. Liberals not only refuse to learn from their mistakes, they refuse to admit them.

23. Liberals have only two political positions -- blind devotion and blind hatred.

24. Liberals are incapable of attacking the message, so they always attack the messenger.

25. Liberal diversity is only skin deep.