I can't recall ever seeing a Tom Cruise movie. If I did, it must have been very forgettable. On the rare occasion when I go to a movie, I go to see a movie, not to see an actor. Normally, Hollywood pinheads don't register with me at all, but Tom Cruise's behavior has been so bizarre of late that he has shown up on my radar. Tom Cruise is a Scientologist. More than that, he is a militant Scientologist who demands that a Scientology tent be erected on the set of every movie he does. He is in the company of other famous Scientologists such as airheads Jenna Elfman, John Travolta, Kirstie Alley, Courtney Love, Lisa Marie Presley, and on and on -- all among the country's greatest thinkers. Scientology was founded (invented) by science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard. Now, I don't know about you, but I would be a bit skeptical about a religion invented by a science fiction writer -- and a second-rate, alcoholic, drug-addicted science fiction writer at that. (Did you SEE Battlefield Earth???) As a Scientologist, this is what Tom Cruise believes: Once upon a time (75 million years ago to be more precise), there was an alien galactic ruler named Xenu. Xenu was a very bad man. He was in charge of all the planets in this part of the galaxy, including our own planet Earth, except in those days it was called Teegeeack. Now, Xenu had a problem. All of the 76 planets in his "Confederation" were over-populated. Each planet had on average 178 billion people. He wanted to get rid of all the overpopulation, so he came up with a plan. Xenu took over complete control, with the help of renegades, to defeat the good people and the Loyal Officers. Then, with the help of psychiatrists, he called in billions of people for income tax inspections, where they were instead given injections of alcohol and glycol mixed to paralyze them. Then they were put into space planes that looked exactly like DC8s (except they had rocket engines instead of propellers). These space planes then flew to Teegeeack, where the paralyzed people were stacked around the bases of volcanoes in their hundreds of billions. When they were all stacked, H-bombs were lowered into the volcanoes. Xenu then detonated all the H-bombs and everyone was killed. The story doesn't end there though. Since everyone has a soul (called a "thetan" in this religion), you have to trick souls into not coming back again. So, while the hundreds of billions of souls were being blown around by the nuclear winds, he had special electronic traps that caught all of them in electronic beams (the electronic beams were sticky like fly-paper -- think Ghost Busters). After he had captured all these souls, he had them packed into boxes and taken to a few huge theaters. There, all the souls had to spend days watching special 3D motion pictures that told them what life should be like. In these films, they were shown false pictures and told they were God, The Devil and Christ. This process is called "implanting". When the films ended and the souls left the theater, they started to stick together -- not in the hanging out sense of the term, but in the super glue sense -- because since they had all seen the same film they thought they were the same people. They clustered in groups of a few thousand. Now, because there were only a few living bodies left, they stayed as clusters and inhabited these bodies. Apparently, mankind existed 75,000,000 years ago and survived a nuclear holocaust. As for Xenu, the Loyal Officers finally overthrew him and locked him away in a mountain on one of the planets. He is kept in by a force-field powered by an eternal battery and is still alive today (think Star Trek V: The Final Frontier). That is the end of the story. And so, today everyone is full of these clusters of souls called "body thetans". And if we are to be free souls, we have to remove all these "body thetans" and pay lots of money to do so -- lots and lots of money. Lots and lots and LOTS of money. Hundreds of thousands of dollars. And the only reason people believe in God and Christ is because they were in the films their body thetans saw 75 million years ago. Did I mention the lots of money? I guess it's true -- the danger in not believing in God is not that you'll believe in nothing, but that you'll believe in anything. So the next time a Hollywood pinhead offers his opinion on war, politics or even Italian food, remember their demented gullibility and propensity for shallow thinking.
