Norwegian Jokes

Once there was a Norwegian named Ole who took his wife with him wherever he went so that he wouldn't have to kiss her goodbye.

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Ole and Sven went on a fishing trip to Canada and come back with only three fish, and Sven says, "The way I figger it, Ole, each of them fish cost us $400. Well. At dat price it's a good ting we didn't catch any more of em than we did."

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"I need to buy some boards there, Sven." "How long you want 'em, Ole?" "Long time. I'm building a house, ya know."

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So Lena was competing in the Sons of Norway Swim Meet and she came in last place in the hundred-yard breast stroke and she said to the judges, "Oh say, I don't vant to complain, but I tink those other two girls were using der arms"!

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Sven and Ole went out duck hunting, and they worked at it for a couple hours and finally Sven says: "I wonder why aren't we getting any ducks, Ole?"

"I don't know. I wonder if we're throwing the dog high enough."

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Did you hear about Ole's nephew Torvald who won the gold medal at the Olympics? Yeah, he had it bronzed.

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So Sven and Ole are walking home from the tavern late at night and they head down the railroad tracks, and Sven says, "This is the longest flight of stairs I ever climbed in my life."

And Ole says, "Yeah, it's not the stairs that bother me so much, it's these low railings."

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"Hey Sven, how many Swedes does it take to grease a combine?" "I don't know, Ole." "Only two, if you run them through real slow."

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"Mama, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?" "No, it's because you're NINETEEN."

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So what's the difference between a Norwegian and a canoe? Well, a canoe will sometimes tip.

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Say, I went and bought Lena a piano for her birthday and then about a week later I traded it in for a clarinet, because you know, with a clarinet, you can't sing.

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So Ole got a car phone and on his way home on the freeway, he calls up Lena and he says, "Oh, Lena, I'm calling you from the freeway on my new car phone."

And Lena says, "Be careful because on the radio they say that some nut is driving the wrong way on the freeway."

And Ole says, "One nut ---- heck, there are hundreds of them!"

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So Ole was hiking in the mountains of Norway and he slips on a wet rock and he falls over the edge of a five-hundred-foot cliff, and he falls twenty feet and he grabs hold of a bush that's growing out of a rock. And there he is, he's hanging looking down at this deep fjord down below him -- certain death -- and his hands start to perspire and he starts to slip on this bush and he yells out, "Is anybody up there?"

And he heard a deep voice rings out in the fjord, "I'm here, Ole. It's the Lord, Ole. Have faith. Let go of that bush and I will save you."

Ole looked down, and he looked up, and he says, "Is anyone else up there?"

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So, Ole --- I see you got a sign up that says, "Boat For Sale." But you don't own a boat, Ole. All you got is your old John Deere tractor and your combine.

"Yup, and they're boat for sale."

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"Hello? Funeral home?" "Yes?" "It's Ole. My wife Lena died." "Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. We'll send someone right away to pick up the body. Where do you live?" "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." "Can you spell that for me?" "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?"

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So Sven and Ole go to the beach, and after a couple hours Sven says, "This ain't no fun. How come the girls aren't friendly to me?"

"Well, I tell you, Sven, maybe if you put a potato in your swim trunks that would help."

---So Sven does, but he comes back to Ole later, and he says, "I tried what you told me with the potato, but it doesn't help."

"No, Sven --- you're supposed to put the potato in the front."

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In the middle of the show, a guy stands up and yells at the ventriloquist, "HEY! You've been making jokes about us Norwegian people enough! Cut it out!" And the ventriloquist says, "Take it easy. They're only jokes!" And the guy says, "I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to that little guy sitting on your knee!"

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Ole and Lena had been married seven years. Lena was getting worried that Ole might be getting the seven year itch. She thought he was cheating on her. Lena says to Ole "You never tell me you love me. Is there someone else?"

Ole replies "When we got married I told you I loved you. If I ever change my mind I'll let you know."

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The pastor at Sven and Ole's church was giving a rousing heaven or hell sermon one Sunday. At the end, minister commands "Whoever wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everyone except Sven and Ole stand. The pastor walks over to them, looks them directly in the eye and asks "Why don't Sven and Ole want to go to heaven?"

Sven answers, "Oh, ve vant to go to heaven. But ve taught you were taking a load up right now and ve aren't ready yet."

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A couple was looking through their new home with Ole the contractor, picking out wall colors for the various rooms. They went into the living room first, said they'd like to have it in a pale green. Ole wrote something down on a pad, then went to the window and yelled, "Gren sida oop!"

They went on into the kitchen, where the couple chose a light clay color for the room. Again the Ole wrote something on a pad, went to the window, and yelled " Gren sida oop!"

This continued from room to room, upstairs and downstairs - all through the house until they were finished. Finally, the husband couldn't contain himself any longer, he had to find out what was going on.

"I'm confused," he said. "Every room we've gone to, we've picked out a particular room color, you've written on a pad, then gone to the window and yelled, "Gren sida oop! Now, I know a little Swedish and we didn't choose green in any room. What's going on?"

"Oh!", said Ole, "I've got Sven out der layin' sod for me."

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So, Sven and Ole are bungee-jumping one day. Sven says to OLe, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." Ole thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. Sven jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Ole notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Ole isn't able catch him, Sven falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again,Ole misses him. Sven falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, Ole finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Sven says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a pinata?"

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Sven was buying his first TV. He went into the furniture shop where Ole worked as a salesman. "I vant to buy that nice TV over dere" Sven said.

"Sorry, ve don't sell TV's to Svedes" Ole said.

Sven was flabbergasted but refused to give up so easily. He bought himself a very expensive disguise complete with the outfit, the hairstyle and even learned a new accent. He came back to the furniture shop.

"Hey, man, be cool. I really dig that TV there. How much you want for it, cat?" Sven asked.

Ole didn't pause in his response. "Sorry, ve don't sell TV's to Svedes!"

Sven was flabbergasted and more determined than ever. He went to a neighboring city and bought another disguise and learned another new accent. He came back to the furniture shop. "Howdy, partner, I'd sure like to purr-chess that TV yonder, wa-ja say?" Sven asked.

Ole again immediately responded, "Sorry, ve don't sell TV's to Svedes!"

Sven stepped back, ripped off his mask, and demanded, "Hey, how in de vurld did you know I'm a Svede?"

"Vell, first of all, yong man, dat ees a micro vave offen."

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Ole came back to work 15 minutes late. The boss noticed and asked where he had been. Ole: "Getting a haircut." Boss: "On company time?" Ole: "It grew on company time." Boss: "Not all of it." Ole: "I didn't get it all cut off."

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Sven and Ole are sitting in the boat fishing, and nothing much is biting, and the conversation chances onto the topic of birth control, and so Sven says to Ole, "What do you and Lena do for birth control?" And Ole says "Oh we use the condom and ice cube method". And Sven says "I've never heard of that Ole, how's it work?" And Ole says "Oh, well, when I go to put the condom on, I put a couple of those little ice cubes in first." And Sven says "Yimminy Ole, isn't that awfully cold?" And Ole says "Yah sure it is Sven, but it really helps keep the swelling down."

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Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies "Jeez, OK."

Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Jeez, OK."

Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?" Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, just leave the car in the garage."