New 7 Wonders, Paris Hilton Didn't Make the Cut

Here's the story. Some European yahoo decided we need a new Seven Wonders of the World -- the old ones being mostly gone -- so he organized a contest to pick new ones from a list. The contest, which started in January, received 100 million votes by its conclusion and the results were announced at a star-studded (of course) ceremony in Lisbon Saturday. The envelope please. And the winners are: The Great Wall of China 'The Roman Colosseum The Taj Mahal The ruins of Petra in Jordan The statue of Christ the Redeemer in Rio de Janeiro Machu Picchu in Peru The Mayan city of Chichen Itza in Mexico. Of course, Mount Rushmore and the Statue of Liberty didn't make it to the finals. No bias there. And self-important cultural experts are outraged that they had no part in the process. So, since this selection was obviously bogus, I've decided to make my own list -- taken from my vast travels -- with all seven wonders conveniently inside the borders of the United States. The World's Largest Buffalo in Jamestown, North Dakota: I used to play under this impressive monument every time our family went to visit my great uncle Julius (he's dead now). If you think it looks big in that picture, imagine how monstrous it was to a 10-year-old. The running joke was to haul a truckload of cow manure up the hill and dump it under the buffalo's tail. The Mall of America: It has 400 stores and an amusement park INSIDE! Carlsbad Caverns: This is THE place to go in case of a thermonuclear war, after which you can emerge to rebuild the human race in the nearby Super 8 Motel. And it's in New Mexico, which has the best Mexican food in the country! Casa Bonita: This underground Mexican restaurant in Denver was featured in an episode of South Park. The cliff divers, strolling mariachis, Mexican dancers and other attractions all combine to take your mind off the awful food. But the sopaipillas are pretty good. The Anasazi Cliff Dwellings: The world's first condominiums. They're only 50 feet from the parking lot and have a gift shop and snack bar! The Anasazi disappeared centuries ago. No doubt their condo fees got too high. While you're in the Pueblo, Colorado area, you can also visit other Pike's Peak attractions such as a fake North Pole at Santa's Workshop, a Ghost Town Museum, and a place called Magic Town. No. Avoid Magic Town. Wall Drug Store: At this drug store in Wall, South Dakota, you can see an actual stuffed jackalope, chow down on buffalo burgers and buy truckloads of tourist crap that you never even imagined existed. Disneyland: Come on. It's Disneyland!!! That's my list, and I didn't even need 100 million people to help me. Hmmm, the Statue of Liberty didn't make it onto my list either. But it's in New York City and who wants to go to New York City? I also skipped Mount Rushmore, but you can get a snow globe of that place at Wall Drug.