Terlet Talk

They passed an ordinance in the town, they said we'd have to tear it down That little old shack out back so dear to me Though the health department said its day was over and dead It will stand forever in my memory Don't let them tear that little brown building down Don't let them tear that precious building down Don't let them tear that dear old building down There's not another like it in the country or the town

So, at 3:30 this morning, I was staring into the toilet bowl and wondering, "Has it been 2,000 flushes already? Next time, I'll have to count." Times used to be much simpler. I got to thinking about my grandma's house in North Dakota. She didn't have running water. Her little old shack was white, not brown. It didn't have a quarter moon carved in the door because you wouldn't want to be sitting in an outhouse with a hole in it while a blizzard raged outside. That outhouse saved my life one winter when I was 12 and we experienced a blizzard white-out. I couldn't find the house, but I did feel toward the outhouse and sat it out until the worst passed. My parents were sick until this little snowman opened the front door. Her shack had three holes -- papa bear size, mama bear size and baby bear size. I used the baby bear hole. Grandma used the papa bear hole and grandpa used the mama bear hole. Think Ma and Pa Kettle.

I remember one night, driving home with two uncles and two aunts from a circus. I was a preschooler. My uncle really REALLY had to go to the bathroom (North Dakotans have the unique ability to be fully functional after six beers, although they tend to laugh hysterically). So, they spotted an outhouse at the side of the road and stopped. Problem. Outhouse didn't have three different sized holes. Outhouse didn't even have a floor. Did you know that three adults, laughing hysterically, and a child can crowd into the front of a 54 Ford?

I told you that to tell you this. Yes, we did have a Sears catalog in the out house. Yes, the out house was located in the back -- for a number of years. Then, I guess the hole must have filled up, because it moved to the side. Grandma got really fancy when the out house was moved, because she installed a concrete sidewalk instead of a boardwalk. Remember that scene in the Parent Trap movies, where the little girl sniffs her grandpa's lapel and tells him she's making a memory? Well, it's true, certain smells bring back memories -- including bathroom smells. Like one night when my aunt Erna came running into the house, holding her cotton underwear up with one hand, screaming, "BEAR! BEAR!" Like using a chamber pot when I'd drunk too much water too close to bedtime. Like having to haul that pot outside the next day and dump it down the daddy bear hole. Like imagining there was a poopie monster in that deep, black pit that was just waiting to grab me if I sat down fully. Like throwing bottles and toys and a brass horse clock down the holes. I've often wondered what I'd find if I dug up those outhouse sites now. Toys, antique bottles, that clock, etc. They're a gold mine! I'm going to take a whiff of Oust and go back to bed.

It was not so long ago that I went tripping through the snow Out to that house behind my old hound dog Where I would sit me down to rest like a snowbird on his nest And I'd read that Sears and Roebuck catalog Oh I would hum a happy tune peeping through the quarter moon As my daddy's kin had done so much before It was in that quiet spot daily cares could be forgot And it gave the same relief to rich and poor Don't let them tear... Now it was not a castle fair but I could dream of future there Build my castle to the yellow jackets drone I could orbit round the sun fight with General Washington Or be a king upon a golden throne It wasn't fancy built at all we had newspapers on the wall It was air-conditioned in the wintertime Oh it was just an humble hut but its door was never shut And a man could get inside without a dime. Don't let them tear that little brown building down Don't let them tear that precious building down Don't let them tear that dear old building down There's not another like it in the country or the town