The President's Immigration Speech for Dummies

I don't regularly read any blogs that aren't in my blogroll. I simply have other things to do (eating, sleeping, bathing, etc.). So, I really don't know what other bloggers are saying about the President's latest piece of flim-flammery Monday night. The Bush boys just don't get it. When George Sr. broke his no new new taxes pledge, it gave the Democrats the opening they needed to plunge a knife in his back. And now George Jr. is ignoring his conservative base, and it will hurt the entire party. I just pasted his entire speech below and will insert snarky statements when justified.

I've asked for a few minutes of your time to discuss a matter of national importance: the reform of America's immigration system. The issue of immigration stirs intense emotions, and in recent weeks, Americans have seen those emotions on display. On the streets of major cities, crowds have rallied in support of those in our country illegally. At our southern border, others have organized to stop illegal immigrants from coming in. Across the country, Americans are trying to reconcile these contrasting images. And in Washington, the debate over immigration reform has reached a time of decision.

Nobody is trying to reconcile any contrasting images. The illegal immigrants and their mush-minded liberal supporters want to change the white-European heritage that has made this country the greatest civilization the world has ever seen. The multi-culturalists are ashamed of being the best. They believe that all societies should be equal -- equally miserable.

The conservatives (real Americans) do not want this to become just another third world country. They realize that America is the world's last, best hope. If we are dragged under, there will be no fit place for the repressed and the impoverished to go.

Tonight, I will make it clear where I stand and where I want to lead our country on this vital issue.

Uh oh.

We must begin by recognizing the problems with our immigration system. For decades, the United States has not been in complete control of its borders. As a result, many who want to work in our economy have been able to sneak across our border. And millions have stayed. Once here, illegal immigrants live in the shadows of our society. Many use forged documents to get jobs, and that makes it difficult for employers to verify that the workers they hire are legal. Illegal immigration puts pressure on public schools and hospitals, it strains state and local budgets and brings crime to our communities.

The shadows of our society? They're over there, standing on the corner, waiting for day jobs! Scoop them up! You certainly have no problem verifying the background of an honest citizen who wants to buy a gun.

These are real problems, yet we must remember that the vast majority of illegal immigrants are decent people who work hard, support their families, practice their faith and lead responsible lives.

So what? How does that change the fact that they put pressure on public schools and hospitals and strain local budgets?

They are a part of American life, but they are beyond the reach and protection of American law. We're a nation of laws, and we must enforce our laws. We're also a nation of immigrants, and we must uphold that tradition, which has strengthened our country in so many ways. These are not contradictory goals. America can be a lawful society and a welcoming society at the same time.

Nobody is beyond the reach of the law -- unless their name is Kennedy. Yes, we must enforce our laws. That's what this is all about. When are you going to start? Yes, we are a nation of immigrants -- legal immigrants. Yes, America can be a lawful society and a welcoming society at the same time. That is the definition of our immigration laws. Enforce them!

We will fix the problems created by illegal immigration, and we will deliver a system that is secure, orderly and fair. So I support comprehensive immigration reform that will accomplish five clear objectives.

Here we go.

First, the United States must secure its borders. This is a basic responsibility of a sovereign nation. It is also an urgent requirement of our national security. Our objective is straightforward: The border should be open to trade and lawful immigration and shut to illegal immigrants, as well as criminals, drug dealers and terrorists. I was the governor of a state that has a 1,200-mile border with Mexico, so I know how difficult it is to enforce the border and how important it is.

How about telling us something that we haven't been telling you for years!

Since I became president, we have increased funding for border security by 66 percent and expanded the Border Patrol from about 9,000 to 12,000 agents. The men and women of our Border Patrol are doing a fine job in difficult circumstances. And over the past five years, they have apprehended and sent home about 6 million people entering America illegally.

And yet, they haven't sent home at least 12 million others who are still here illegally. I guess your increased funding and expanded manpower wasn't quite enough, was it?

Despite this progress, we do not yet have full control of the border, and I am determined to change that. Tonight I am calling on Congress to provide funding for dramatic improvements in manpower and technology at the border. By the end of 2008, we will increase the number of Border Patrol officers by an additional 6,000. When these new agents are deployed, we will have more than doubled the size of the Border Patrol during my presidency. At the same time, we are launching the most technologically advanced border security initiative in American history. We will construct high-tech fences in urban corridors and build new patrol roads and barriers in rural areas. We will employ motion sensors, infrared cameras and unmanned aerial vehicles to prevent illegal crossings. America has the best technology in the world and we will ensure that the Border Patrol has the technology they need to do their job and secure our border.

Forget the high-tech fences, barriers, motion sensors, infrared cameras and UAVs. How about some high-tech land-mines? We abort 1.5 million babies a year in this country. Surely we can blow up a dozen or so Guatemalan gang members.

Training thousands of new Border Patrol agents and bringing the most advanced technology to the border will take time, yet the need to secure our border is urgent. So I'm announcing several immediate steps to strengthen border enforcement during this period of transition. One way to help during this transition is to use the National Guard.

To do what? Stand around and look threatening? Once the illegals find out that the National Guard isn't allowed to shoot them and doesn't have powers of arrest, they'll pose for pictures with them, like tourists with the palace guard in London.

So in coordination with governors, up to 6,000 Guard members will be deployed to our southern border.

Uhhh, coordination with governors? You mean the Rinocrat governor of California, who says the National Guard isn't the answer? You mean the liberal Democrat governor of Arizona, who thinks that just declaring a state of emergency will make the emergency go away? Those governors?

The Border Patrol will remain in the lead. The Guard will assist the Border Patrol by operating surveillance systems, analyzing intelligence, installing fences and vehicle barriers, building patrol roads, and providing training. Guard units will not be involved in direct law enforcement activities; that duty will be done by the Border Patrol.

So, what you're telling us is that the National Guard will do for millions of taxpayer dollars what the Minutemen are already doing for free?

This initial commitment of Guard members would last for a period of one year. After that, the number of Guard forces will be reduced as new Border Patrol agents and new technologies come on-line. It is important for Americans to know that we have enough Guard forces to win the war on terror, to respond to natural disasters and to help secure our border.

Mr. President, isn't the National Guard supposed to guard our nation? What's the problem?

The United States is not going to militarize the southern border. Mexico is our neighbor and our friend. We will continue to work cooperatively to improve security on both sides of the border, to confront common problems like drug trafficking and crime, and to reduce illegal immigration.

I don't see why you have a problem militarizing the southern border. President Fox certainly has no problem militarizing his northern border. And if Mexico is our friend, why are they encouraging illegal immigration? With friends like that.....

Another way to help during this period of transition is through state and local law enforcement in our border communities. So we will increase federal funding for state and local authorities assisting the Border Patrol on targeted enforcement missions. We will give state and local authorities the specialized training they need to help federal officers apprehend and detain illegal immigrants. State and local law enforcement officials are an important part of our border security, and they need to be a part of our strategy to secure our borders.

And then are you going to make states and cities allow their law enforcement to enforce the laws? Or are you still going to sit by while cities set themselves up as sanctuaries for illegals and order their police not to so much as even ask if someone is a legal citizen?

The steps I have outlined will improve our ability to catch people entering our country illegally.

Dream on.

At the same time, we must ensure that every illegal immigrant we catch crossing our southern border is returned home. More than 85 percent of the illegal immigrants we catch crossing the southern border are Mexicans, and most are sent back home within 24 hours. But when we catch illegal immigrants from other countries, it is not as easy to send them back home. For many years, the government did not have enough space in our detention facilities to hold them while the legal process unfolded. So most were released back into our society and asked to return for a court date. When the date arrived, the vast majority did not show up. This practice, called "catch and release," is unacceptable. And we will end it. We are taking several important steps to meet this goal. We've expanded the number of beds in our detention facilities, and we will continue to add more.

You want me to tell you how to house all those people? Put Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio in charge of detaining illegals. After a few weeks of living in a tent in the desert and eating bologna sandwiches, they'll be begging to go back home.

We've expedited the legal process to cut the average deportation time. And we're making it clear to foreign governments that they must accept back their citizens who violate our immigration laws. As a result of these actions, we've ended catch and release for illegal immigrants from some countries. And I will ask Congress for additional funding and legal authority so we can end catch and release at the southern border once and for all.

Yeah, good luck with Venezuela and other South American countries that hate us. They don't cooperate in ending drug trafficking, why would they cooperate in ending people trafficking?

When people know that they'll be caught and sent home if they enter our country illegally, they will be less likely to try to sneak in.

When's the last time you heard of a criminal who knew he'd be caught? And when's the last time you heard of law enforcement making it less likely for a criminal to commit a crime?

Second, to secure our border we must create a temporary worker program.

NO! We mustn't! If anything will encourage people to cross the border, it's a temporary worker program!

The reality is that there are many people on the other side of our border who will do anything to come to America to work and build a better life. They walk across miles of desert in the summer heat or hide in the back of 18-wheelers to reach our country. This creates enormous pressure on our border that walls and patrols alone will not stop.

Duh, yeah. I would estimate that about five billion people fall into that category. You have extra room at the White House?

To secure the border effectively, we must reduce the numbers of people trying to sneak across. Therefore, I support a temporary worker program that would create a legal path for foreign workers to enter our country in an orderly way, for a limited period of time. This program would match willing foreign workers with willing American employers for jobs Americans are not doing.

Here we go again with the jobs Americans are not doing. What are they? Where are they? I've got news for you, Americans who wouldn't do those jobs wouldn't do ANY jobs. They're called parasites. Here's my temporary worker program: Any American employer who hires a willing foreign worker will go to jail. And the illegal foreigner's temporary employment will be terminated while he is locked up and deported.

Every worker who applies for the program would be required to pass criminal background checks. And temporary workers must return to their home country at the conclusion of their stay.

Background checks? You mean like the background checks you say are impossible to do in order to determine if an employee is legal? And since when are illegal immigrants required to do anything? What are you going to do with the workers who don't apply for the program?

A temporary worker program would meet the needs of our economy, and it would give honest immigrants a way to provide for their families while respecting the law.

If they respected the law, they wouldn't be here in the first place.

A temporary worker program would reduce the appeal of human smugglers and make it less likely that people would risk their lives to cross the border.

Are you kidding? As you spoke, Mexicans were already making reservations with their local coyotes to get in on this great deal! You might just as well paper all of Mexico with tourism posters. It's a great place to visit, but you should stay here!

It would ease the financial burden on state and local governments, by replacing illegal workers with lawful taxpayers. And, above all, a temporary worker program would add to our security by making certain we know who is in our country and why they are here.

Yes, I'm sure those who want to kill us would run, not walk to register for the temporary worker program.

Third, we need to hold employers to account for the workers they hire. It is against the law to hire someone who is in this country illegally. Yet businesses often cannot verify the legal status of their employees, because of the widespread problem of document fraud. Therefore, comprehensive immigration reform must include a better system for verifying documents and work eligibility.

Every single worker in this country has a social security number. How hard would it be to type in that number or issue cards that can be swiped (for those who went to public school and don't know how to type) to verify whether the person is legal??

A key part of that system should be a new identification card for every legal foreign worker. This card should use biometric technology, such as digital fingerprints, to make it tamper-proof. A tamper-proof card would help us enforce the law and leave employers with no excuse for violating it.

See previous paragraph. We don't need another national identity card and another federal bureaucracy to keep track of us. There are plenty of federal and state bureaucracies already keeping track of us. I wish I could become invisible when I'm tagged for jury duty.

And by making it harder for illegal immigrants to find work in our country, we would discourage people from crossing the border illegally in the first place.

Yes it would. But how do you discourage people from crossing the border by matching them with employers?

Fourth, we must face the reality that millions of illegal immigrants are here already. They should not be given an automatic path to citizenship. This is amnesty, and I oppose it. Amnesty would be unfair to those who are here lawfully, and it would invite further waves of illegal immigration.

And the difference between amnesty and a worker program is?????

Some in this country argue that the solution is to deport every illegal immigrant and that any proposal short of this amounts to amnesty. I disagree. It is neither wise nor realistic to round up millions of people, many with deep roots in the United States, and send them across the border. There is a rational middle ground between granting an automatic path to citizenship for every illegal immigrant and a program of mass deportation. That middle ground recognizes there are differences between an illegal immigrant who crossed the border recently and someone who has worked here for many years and has a home, a family and an otherwise clean record.

By "some," I assume you're talking about some good ol' boys in Klan robes? I've never heard anyone (anyone sane) say we should round up and deport every illegal alien in this country. Here's my rational middle ground. Let's begin by deporting every illegal who commits a crime. That would be a great start. Then we can start deporting every illegal who drains our state and national resources by applying for food stamps, going to a hospital emergency room, enrolling their kids in school, buying a home, applying for a business license, etc. Each and every one of those acts comprise fraud, because they are illegally here to begin with.

I believe that illegal immigrants who have roots in our country and want to stay should have to pay a meaningful penalty for breaking the law -- to pay their taxes, to learn English and to work in a job for a number of years.

What, are we going to have federal English police now? I have a new knock-knock joke. Knock knock. "Quién está allí?" YOU'RE UNDER ARREST! But you're right about one thing, Mr. President, paying taxes is a meaningful penalty. I've been paying meaningful penalties my entire adult life. And what about Americans who refuse to work in a job for a number of years? Can we get rid of them too?

People who meet these conditions should be able to apply for citizenship. But approval would not be automatic, and they will have to wait in line behind those who played by the rules and followed the law.

If they weren't willing to wait in line to get into the country, what makes you think they'd be willing to wait in line behind those who play by the rules and follow the law? Besides, they're already here. Those who play by the rules are still waiting in line -- in their own countries.

What I have just described is not amnesty; it is a way for those who have broken the law to pay their debt to society and demonstrate the character that makes a good citizen.

As Bugs Bunny said, a rose by any other name, still stinks.

Fifth, we must honor the great American tradition of the melting pot, which has made us one nation out of many peoples. The success of our country depends upon helping newcomers assimilate into our society, and embrace our common identity as Americans. Americans are bound together by our shared ideals, an appreciation of our history, respect for the flag we fly, and an ability to speak and write the English language.

As we have seen in recent weeks, these illegals don't want to be melted and don't want to respect our flag and don't want to speak our language. They want to transplant the same conditions in this country that made their home countries unlivable.

English is also the key to unlocking the opportunity of America. English allows newcomers to go from picking crops to opening a grocery, from cleaning offices to running offices, from a life of low- paying jobs to a diploma, a career and a home of their own. When immigrants assimilate and advance in our society, they realize their dreams, they renew our spirit and they add to the unity of America.

Yeah. Tell that to the judge in California who just voided the English requirement for high school graduates. English is the language of commerce only because the most successful country in the world -- us -- made it so. There's no reason that couldn't just go away if the uniquely American culture goes away.

Tonight, I want to speak directly to members of the House and the Senate: An immigration reform bill needs to be comprehensive, because all elements of this problem must be addressed together or none of them will be solved at all. The House has passed an immigration bill. The Senate should act by the end of this month so we can work out the differences between the two bills and Congress can pass a comprehensive bill for me to sign into law.

As it happens, the Senate has already agreed on an immigration reform bill -- one that totally ignores border enforcement. And if you sign it, you might as well just turn the keys of all three branches of the government over to the Democrats.

America needs to conduct this debate on immigration in a reasoned and respectful tone. Feelings run deep on this issue. And as we work it out, all of us need to keep some things in mind. We cannot build a unified country by inciting people to anger or playing on anyone's fears or exploiting the issue of immigration for political gain. We must always remember that real lives will be affected by our debates and decisions and that every human being has dignity and value, no matter what their citizenship papers say.

In other words, if you don't agree with the open borders crowd, just shut up.

I know many of you listening tonight have a parent or a grandparent who came here from another country with dreams of a better life. You know what freedom meant to them, and you know that America is a more hopeful country because of their hard work and sacrifice.

Actually, I had great-grandparents who came here from another country. They came through Ellis Island in broad daylight, not through the Mexican border under cover of darkness.

As president, I have had the opportunity to meet people of many backgrounds and hear what America means to them. On a visit to Bethesda Naval Hospital, Laura and I met a wounded Marine named Guadalupe Denogean. Master Gunnery Sergeant Denogean came to the United States from Mexico when he was a boy. He spent his summers picking crops with his family, and then he volunteered for the United States Marine Corps as soon as he was able. During the liberation of Iraq, Master Gunnery Sergeant Denogean was seriously injured. And when asked if he had any requests, he made two: a promotion for the corporal who helped rescue him and the chance to become an American citizen. And when this brave Marine raised his right hand and swore an oath to become a citizen of the country he had defended for more than 26 years, I was honored to stand at his side. We will always be proud to welcome people like Guadalupe Denogean as fellow Americans. Our new immigrants are just what they've always been: people willing to risk everything for the dream of freedom.

Your point? Are you saying Master Gunnery Sergeant Denogean is an illegal immigrant? My father-in-law got his citizenship by joining the army too. He was a Filipino Scout who escaped twice from a Japanese POW camp and then joined the American Army. He earned his citizenship in a way far more meaningful than joining some worker program.

And America remains what she has always been: the great hope on the horizon, an open door to the future, a blessed and promised land.

Which, under your plan, would become Amexica. Where will everyone flee when this country becomes as corrupt and impoverished as all the countries that once housed our illegal immigrants?

We honor the heritage of all who come here, no matter where they come from, because we trust in our country's genius for making us all Americans, one nation under God.

Whose god? I don't even know what that means. Before Ted Kennedy's 1965 immigration bill, our country sought the world's strongest and brightest. Now we seek just anyone who can slip in under the fence. People, teach your kids Spanish and survival skills.

Thank you, and good night.

On that, we finally agree. Good night.