Important Stuff -- Or Not: My National Security Plan

Thursday, March 30, 2006

My National Security Plan

As you have seen in an earlier post, the Democrats have come up with a barn-burner of a national security plan. If you haven't already done so, read this first. But you know me, I used to train Marines, so no matter how simple a plan is, I can simplify it further. So, without further ado, here is my National Security Plan. ENERGY INDEPENDENCE To Free America from Dependence on Foreign Oil, I will: Stop the oil companies from assassinating inventors who come up with things like that pill that turns water into gasoline or the carburetor that gets 1,000 miles to the gallon. WORLD PEACE To Free the World from War, Starvation and Overpopulation, I will: Terra-form all the planets in the solar system to make them safe for human habitation, and build a fleet of giant spaceships to relocate "incompatible" cultures to places where they will be happy. For instance, Muslims will be settled on Mars, which has a desert climate favored by the Prophet Muhammad. There, they can happily wage never-ending tribal warfare and bathe themselves in glory -- like Klingons. Lesbians would be sent to Venus, where they could form a society of short-skirted, spear-carrying Amazon warriors like in 1958's Queen of Outer Space with Zsa Zsa Gabor. It would be against the law for male astronauts to travel to Venus, seduce some Amazon warriors and topple the evil Queen Hillary. Scientologists could have Mercury, because of their vast experience with atomic radiation and volcanic eruptions. 21st CENTURY MILITARY To Ensure Unparalleled Military Strength and Honor our Troops, I will: Build an army of indestructible cyborg soldiers that can transform into trucks, helicopters and jets to transport themselves and supplies to the battlefield. Just in case, put an emergency "off" switch under the left armpit (or wheel or wing) of each cyborg, where the enemy will never find it. Enact a GI Bill of Rights for the 21st Century that guarantees our retired veterans and their families receive the pay, health care, mental health services, and other benefits they have earned and deserve -- except for their cheating ex-wife, who will no longer get half my retirement check and can rot in Hell for all I care! WAR ON TERROR (See WORLD PEACE) BORDER SECURITY Snipers.

4 comments:

Trader Rick said...: Gee, Ranger, why don't you tell us how you REALLY feel about ex-wives?

Having had two of them divorce me and strip me of all my worldly goods, I have now determined the best course of action is to just find a woman who doesn't like me and buy her a house!; 6:26 AM
Lone Ranger said...: DISCLAIMER: This is just my national security plan. Any resemblance to the life of anyone living or dead is purely coincidental.; 8:45 AM
Anonymous said...: How about some judicial reform...

I think juries should take on some additional responsibility. In addition to determining the fate of the defendant, they should also pass judgment on the attorneys and judges. If they determine that either one is an idiot, then each should be sentenced to...hum, the possibilities...this may require some more thought.; 11:37 PM
Vigilis said...: Amen to Steve's idea.; 5:47 PM

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Talking Points

I don't use talking points, I create them.

1. Hate makes people stoopid.

2. There is nothing so impenetrable as a closed mind.

3. A stupid person is not someone who can't learn, but someone who refuses to learn.

4. It is a small mind that has no room for God.

5. You can take Stalin out of the gene pool, but you can't take Stalinism out of liberals.

6. The best way to sabotage a bad plan is to follow it to the letter.

7. The race card is the first refuge of people who have nothing to say.

8. Ignorance is the cornerstone of arrogance.

9. Which is more racist, to hate someone who is not white or to assume someone is racist because he is white?

10. Children are not stupid. If a child is taught, the child will learn. If a child is not learning, the child is not being taught.

11. To express righteous indignation, one must first be righteous. And that's a label that doesn't stick to liberals.

12. Profanity is ignorance made audible.

13. An open mind is a liberal's worst enemy.

14. Paternalism is the purest form of racism.

15. People who bend the truth, usually bend it in their favor.

16. If you always stand in opposition to liberalism, you will never be wrong.

18. Life is simple. People who make it complicated usually have an agenda.

19. Getting your news from the corrupt, liberal media is like sticking your head in the sand, except you don't get grit in your teeth.

20. Liberals' emotional development stops at the age of 16.

21. To anger a conservative, lie to him. To anger a liberal, tell the truth.

22. Idealism seldom matches up with reality.

23. Those who don't hate communism have never lived it.

24. This was a much more civil country when men walked about heavily armed.

25. This economy will never heal as long as Obama keeps picking at the scab.

26. Liberals don't think outside the box; they ARE the box.

27. You cannot change the hearts and minds of liberals, because they possess neither.

28. There is no such thing as a kind liberal.

29. Reading Democratic Party platforms is like reading the history of human rights abuses and crimes against humanity in this country.

25 Immutable Truths About Liberals

Over the years I've been writing this blog, I've been throwing out little self-evident truths that seem to have no exceptions that prove the rule. I've made a list of some of them and will add to it as I remember them or make up more. Most of this list I've come up with myself. A few I've borrowed from others.

1. Always expect the worst from a liberal and you will never be surprised.

2. Never try to reason with a liberal. They disregard any evidence that conflicts with their beliefs.

3. You can always tell what liberals are up to by what they accuse conservatives of doing.

4. Liberals don't debate, they argue.

5. The only standards liberals have are double standards.

6. Liberals feel, conservatives think.

7. Whenever you don't understand a liberal's motives, just look for the money.

8. Liberals cannot be embarrassed. They lack the gene to blush.

9. The Liberal Golden Rule is, "Do unto others but scream bloody murder if they do unto you."

10. Liberals don't have leaders, they have demi-gods.

11. There are no honest liberals. If they were honest -- especially to themselves -- they would be conservatives.

12. A liberal's business is nobody's business, but everyone's business is a liberal's business.

13. Liberals have an inflated sense of self-worth. They are like house flies that criticize the air-worthiness of a Stealth fighter. (Sarah Palin, George W. Bush, ad infinitum are morons.)

14. Liberals lack a sixth sense that conservatives have in abundance -- common sense.

15. Liberals never stop hating.

16. There are only two types of liberals -- the deceivers and the deceived. The difficulty is telling them apart.

17. Every time liberals get on their high horse, they get bucked off.

18. Liberal programs are so wonderful that they have to be forced on people.

19. Liberals always choke on their own medicine.

20. When given a moral choice, liberals always come down on the wrong side of the fence.

21. The only way liberals can build themselves up is by tearing others down.

22. Liberals not only refuse to learn from their mistakes, they refuse to admit them.

23. Liberals have only two political positions -- blind devotion and blind hatred.

24. Liberals are incapable of attacking the message, so they always attack the messenger.

25. Liberal diversity is only skin deep.