I've Been Surveilled!

In a liberal's worst nightmare come true, I've discovered that the National Security Agency has SO much time on its hands that it has been spying on me. I guess terrorist chatter has been slow. As an over-paid, under-worked member of the media, I actually got my hands on the transcript of a 16-hour period of my life. 12/12/05 0800 Subject and cat awake and stretch simultaneously. Subject heads to bathroom, cat heads to litter-box. 0801 Subject spends 10 minutes staring into toilet bowl and muttering, "Has it been 2,000 flushes already?" 0811 Subject dons knee-length yellow Sponge Bob Squarepants tee-shirt and black, bear claw slippers that roar with each step. Proceeds into kitchen. Cat squeaks with each roar. (ROAR, squeak, ROAR, squeak, etc.) 0812 Subject heats up breakfast consisting of Hillshire Farms Li'l Smokies and Campbell's pork and beans. Pours dry food for cat. 0820 Subject proceeds into living room with breakfast (ROAR, squeak, ROAR, squeak, etc.) and flops into recliner to watch TV programs TiVOed the night before -- The Simpsons, Family Guy, American Dad and Crossing Jordan. Cat sits on arm of recliner. 0930 Cat falls off arm of recliner when beans have expected effect on subject. Disgruntled cat settles down on sleeping pad in front of fireplace. 1050 Subject switches off TV and turns on 35-year-old Kenwood stereo receiver to listen to last two hours of Laura Ingraham. Sits at computer to check e-mail (none) and play solitaire. 1200 Subject switches from Laura Ingraham to Rush Limbaugh and proceeds to kitchen (ROAR, squeak, ROAR, squeak, ROAR squeak, etc.) -- kicks off slippers, which narrowly miss cat -- to prepare lunch consisting of can of Progresso New England clam chowder. 1210 Subject eats bowl of soup standing over sink. 1220 Subject proceeds to bedroom for short catnap, cat joins him for similar activity. Subject is awakened twice by telemarketers, but after checking caller ID, does not answer phone. 1720 Subject awakens after five hours of sleeping with forefinger touching paw of cat. (Awww, aren't they cute?) Makes short stop in bathroom before proceeding to kitchen to prepare dinner consisting of pot of Zatarain's red beans and rice. 1740 Subject proceeds with bowl of beans and rice to recliner. Cat eyes subject warily from across the room and drags sleeping pad in front of fireplace into dining room. 1800 Subject proceeds to watch five hours of Stargate SG-1 reruns. 2030 NSA agent found sleeping at post. As punishment, reassigned to monitor Al Gore. 2300 Subject watches O'Reilly Report. 0000 Subject and cat turn in for night. Subject deleted from surveillance list. So that's it. Now I can understand why liberals are so paranoid (besides the pot) about the federal government ignoring its duties in the war on terror to spy on common Americans. My life is MUCH more exiting than Osama's.